aku tak tau sama ada apa yg aku lakukan ni betul atau tak….patut atau tak…aku tau & aku sedar ape yg dia lakukan kali ni beyond melampau..sgt2 melampau..aku sepatutnya dah mmg btl2 bencikan die..at 1 point aku rse sgt2 benci ape yg die dah buat pd aku, aku rse aku harus jauhkan dri aku dr die….hati aku meronta2 nak pergi dr idup die, believe me…I really wish I could..tp semakin aku rse nekad nak pegi..semakin aku rse kehilangan die..& its killing me..kmi begitu hampir utk akhiri hbngn ni..sgt2 hampir. I knw this is the perfect time for me to end all this. she hurts me so bad. real bad. I knw, not a single friend of mine who loves & care for me would agree to what she had done to me. they saw how devastated my condition is. But I just cant live without her.i need her to make me happy. a good friend of mine once told me, I had to walk away from her & do whatever it takes to make me happy. but how am I suppose to be happy without her, when she is my happiness? even there’s a price I had to pay for my happiness, I just don’t care. I knw I jeopardise my future by giving her another chance, by believing in all her lies. There is a 70% of chances that she might hurt me the same way again in the future, I do realize that.. I don’t knw why I love her this much when all the people around me can see that she’s not worth it.

it's been so long since my last update...its not that i have nothing to say, but there is just too much to say.but it seems like i had lost my words..since the beginning, this blog is all about me & her...it's her still..looking back, i've been sticking with her for 8++ years..too many happiness & tears along the way...i myself cannot believe we can last this long.so many thngs happened..
....................................................................

this is what i wanna say to her..

awak,
setiap kali awk ckp awk sdh & x sampai ati nk lukakan ati die, sbb die tlalu sygkan awk & nak sgt idup dgn awk..smpai buat awk btl2 rase bsalah lukakan ati die & plh utk ttp dgn sy..setiap kali tu juga sy tahan air mata sy dr jatuh..setiap kali tu sy akn bkata2 dlm ati...betapa awk pentingkan prsaan org lain yg bru je hadir dlm idup awk, betapa awk x sanggup die meanngis bile awk plh sy, betapa awk tlalu prihatin dgn kesakitan die...tp awk lupe memandang sy kat sblh awk yg lebih skt dgn kecurangan awk..awk lupe kesakitan yg sy rse lbh lg dr yg die rse.awk x smpai ati nk lukakan ati die, tp knp awk tgamak lukakan ati sy yg dah 8 thun kongsi idup, kongsi ssh sng dng awk..setitis air mata die yg jtuh, buat awk rse bsalah seumur idup.tp awk lupa air mata sy yg dah bnyk jtuh setiap kli awk curang dgn sy..bkn sekali, bkn 2 kali, bkn 3 kali...dah bnyk kali..& setiap kli pun sy akn maafkan awk & terima awk blk dlm idup sy...betapa sshnye sy nk mengikis rse sakit dikhianati & dicurangi....sy tertanya2 ape slh sy smpai awk snggup lukakan ati sy dgn cara yg mcm tu....tp lps sy terima awk dgn kecurangan yg awk dah buat tu, sy yg akn makan ati menyaksikan mcm mana awk sedih ptus cinta..awk pilih sy & tpaksa lupakan die...sy dpt rse kesedihan yg awk rse sbb kehilangan die....itu lebih lg melukakan ati sy.sy tlalu sygkan awk smpai sy izinkan ati sy lalui bnda yg sama....bnda yg sy tau sgt2 melukakan ati sy...sy dpn mata awk, tp ati awk meratap sedih kehilangan die...knp sy kene lalui bnda tu lg?x boleh ke utk sekali ni...sekali ni je, awk pandang sy yg ade sblh awk ni..utk sekali ni, awk cube faham kesakitan yg sy rse...awk lupe sy kt sblh awk, sbb sy sntiase ade..sy x pnh pg jauh dr idup awk wpun berulang kli awk lukakan ati sy..awk lupa sbb sy selalu ada..

stop sign

rindu?
knp mulut senang je berkata sedangkan perkataan yg diucapkan tu x selari dgn ape yg ade dlm hati? lumrah manusia mmg mcm tu ke...atau manusia yg aku kenal & syg ni shj yg spesel, punya kebolehan berkata2 dgn niat utk menyedapkan hati aku semata2 ? dan aku yg bebal ni masih percaya walaupun bulat2 dah terbukti dpn mata. seorang teman yg dulunya penah rapat berkata, "it's about time. u're in the middle of the turning point in ur life..either u make a turn to another direction, or u'll stuck there forever, going tru the same thing over n over again". aku pilih utk lalui jalan yg sama, dgn harapan akan bertemu cahaya di penghujung jalan. teman tu pun dah penat dan fed up melihat kebodohan aku, n makin lama die pun makin menjauh dari hidup aku yg penuh dgn harapan palsu ni...aku x salahkan teman aku tu, sbb aku fhm knp die buat mcm tu.

kali ni ianya berulang lagi..sama mcm yg dulu2, kali ni pun aku digula2kan dgn mcm2 alasan x munasabah utk menutup perbuatan die. hati aku kosong. aku rase kosong. penat menangis dan berfikir "kenapa" barangkali. adakah ini petanda aku patut berhenti dr meneruskan perjalanan ini?

hilang

die dah ilang..selama ni die ade je
rindu ngn telatah die..suke gesel2
walaupun gemuk n debab..kuat makan,tp ttp cumel
sy syg die T_T

dulu..blk dr mane2 die akan sambut kt muke pintu
blk penat2 pun, penat tu mst hilang biler tgk muka die
die pndai amik ati saye
saye slalu xleh nk marah die lame2

saye tatau sejak biler saye syg die
perasaan tu dtg sendiri n yg pasti makin lama makin kuat
saye slalu rase resah kalau pg mane2 n tinggalkan die kat rumah
walau saye tau die pandai jaga diri sendiri..tp saye ttp risaukan die

kalau saye sedih saye akan peluk die dan cerita sume masalah saye pd die
kadang2 die wat x dengar..
tp selalu die akan tgk muke sy..penuh perhatian
tu pun dah cukup buat saye..x perlu die ckp ape2

tp sekarang die dah xde
saye xtau die pg mane
saye sgt2 rindukan die
saye risau keadaan die..mst die pun rindukan saye
walaupun sy dah ade pengganti..tp x same dgn die
perasaan syg tu x sama mcm saye syg die

saye akan tetap tggu die
die bukan sekadar kucing kesayangan saye
tp lebih dr tu

it's over

i never tot it wud end dis way
u were screaming
i was screaming
we were screaming to each other
but nobody listen to anybody

i dont knw how to deal with it
how am i gonna live
how am i gonna breath
how am i gonna sleep
knowing dat u r not here anymore

well, im started to sound pathetic
i had to move on..i know i had to
but i dunno how?

its crazy
i really love you
but i cant stand you

-enuff said-

from her :-)

aku cinta pdmu yang..
ssguhnya cint a itu indah..bia la kite ddtgi bbagai dugaan, suka & duka..
namun ku tahu cintamu memberi 1001 kebahagiaan yg tak penah aku rasakan..
aku sedar manusia takkan mati tanpa cinta,
tp aku hidup bersama semangat cintamu syg..
tanpa semangat n kasih syg yg kau berikan..siapa la aku

mata bengkak

pg ni g keje mata bengkak..sbb mlm td nangis bnyk sgt sampai tertidur...mmg x sedar ape..coz i was so drunk..
i was like insane..drinking n crying at the same time...gosh..dunno how it can end up that way..

maybe i was just being too emotional..making a big fuss over nothing
she hates me so much to the extend she doesnt even bother to talk to me
she ignored me the whole night...she never did that before
i cant see the love in her eyes..i cant felt it no more

is it the end for both of us..?
no....!!! i dont want it to happen
i dont wanna loose her
i am not gonna loose her
i cant...i just cant

please...dont leave me
please dont hate me..
please dont deny me..
im begging u
plese....

pagi yang cerah

saya bangun pagi nie dgn hati yg tenang
dgn senyuman di wajah
dgn harapan utk hari yang mendatang

sekilas sy pandang wajahnya
lena sungguh tidur nya
seolah dia mendapat ketenangan yg hakiki dlm mimpinya

saya belai rambutnya
macam yg selalu sy lakukan
sy usap pipinya
sy pegang tangannya
tiba2 hati saya jadi sayu
mampu kah sy hidup tanpanya
mampukah sy bangun dgn senyuman ni tanpa dia di sisi
mampukah sy gembira bila dia tiada lg

mata sy tiba2 bergenang
tp tiada air yang berlinang
tangannya makin erat sy genggam
seolah2 x mampu sy lepaskan

saya cium lembut keningnya
dia masih lena tanpa kata
tidak juga membuka mata
tiba2 dia merangkul sy dalam dakapannya
lalu membisikkan di telinga
'i love u syg'

sy x mampu berkata2
kerana tiada kata2 yg sesuai
utk menggambarkan perasaan sy terhadapnya
betapa sygnya sy kepadanya

hanya harapan yg mampu sy luahkan
semoga pagi yg cerah ini
membawa seribu sinar kepada kami
agar perasaan ini tidak akan pernah mati

burning

have u ever felt that u are constantly losing hope and no matter what u're doing is still not enough..u tried so hard to prove something that u believe will make u happy for the rest of your life..that if u try hard enough things will turn out exactly the way u expected..you actually want to prove to ur own self that u're making the right choice to the extent that u completely neglected ur own feeling, but yet it still not enough..frustrating eh?



it never occured to me before that i'm a kind of person who does not easily give up on things that i really2 want..i never realized it before..often i heard/read that arian never ever easily give up, that they had really amazing 'fighting spirit'..im an arian, but i never paid much attention to that fact..i was like, really...? nah..i dont think so..come to think about it again,i had to agree to that coz im beginning to realise that i had done so much just to get what i want..n what i really want the most rite now is for her to trust me..often it shattered me into pieces but then my inner need is much more stronger than the sadness i felt inside..she may really2 hurt me but as long as her trust is still my priority, i can do just about anything to gain her trust..


i wanted so much to change my life..hoping that eventually things will turn out good and i manage to lead a happy life wif sumone i love...the one i love is the most important thing in my life to the extent that i abandoned my own feeling..it's not that im not happy rite now..im happy and i really do...it's just that sometimes she can turn really mean and starts acusing me to the things that i did not do...and each time she said that she didn't believe me..it really kills me..coz i've tried so hard to please her..to show that she really is important to me..people said that one can forgive but never forget...but believe me, i actually choose to forgive...and to forget...i dont want to remember the things that can make me sad..i just want to keep the things that make me happy and content..so that i can always think of her with smiles on my face..not tears in my eyes..that's how i keep my love for her..only with sweet memories of me n her.


i'm beginning to realize that love alone is not enough...a complete package of happiness comes with mutual understanding, respect each other and most miportantly...TRUST....


love without trust is a living hell..having to deal with it makes me lost hope...

sORRy

Oh I had a lot to say

Was thinking on my time away

Missed you and things weren't the same

Cause everything inside it never comes out right

And when I see you cry it makes me want to die

I'm sorry I'm bad,

I'm sorry you're blue,

I'm sorry about all things I said to you

And I know I can't take it back

I love how you kiss,

I love all your sounds,

And baby the way you make my world go round

And I just wanted to say I'm sorry

This time I think I'm to blame

It's harder to get through the days

You get older and blame turns to shame

Every single day I think about how we came all this way

The sleepless nights and the tears you cried

It's never too late to make it right

Oh yeah sorry!

i'm sorry baby

i'm sorry baby

i'm sorry....

fix it

on my way ke tmpt keje dis monin, i listened to 'fly fm'...they got this programme called 'fix it' where they solve other's problem on air...listeners who got problem to be fix would email their problem to 'fly fm' and their morning crew dj would figure a way to solve the problem..let say u have problem with certain person...u really need to talk things out to this certain person but dunno how to confront the person...what the dj's would do..they will call the person live on air and sampaikan ape yg korang nak ckp tu...the message is still delivered, but via the dj's...interesting isn't it..? how did they got such brilliant idea..?i've been listening to the programme for quite some time now..usually i like listening to 'hitz fm' and their morning crew is superb...i just love jj and rudy...they are so damn good..sometimes, they can put smile on my face to begin the day with..even when i'm not in the mood..
ok...back to the 'fix it' this morning...they recieved an email from a lady who had some problem with her hubby..she thinks that her hubby does not love her as much before..she's been staying in penang while her hubby in kl..ahh...the LDR thing is really tough eh? they rarely talked nicely now..every now and then ade jer yg tak kena..seem like little things pun can start a fight between them..and the husband think that his wife has changed and does not bother about him anymore....the dj's called the lady and asked briefly what is happening between she and her husband...from the tone of her voice i can say that this lady loves her husband so much..after all, she's the one who's been making the effort to fix the problem kan...she just want to tell her husband that she really loves her husband no matter what and she need him to colour her world...so sweet.....that is exactly what the dj told the husband...eventually her husband understand how she felt and said that he too loves her so much and nobody can take that away..so, the problem considered fixed..another problem fixed.
tersenyum saya sorang2 pagi td...it's just a miscommunication problem between the two of them and the dj's did a great job to put the two hearts back together...ermmm...i wonder if i email my problem to the 'fly fm'..wud they manage to fix our broken relationship...?what more if its' a forbidden love like our's..?

..punching bag..

awak slalu marah2 saye klu ade bnda yg x kena
klu lapa..awk cpt mara
klu penat, awk cpt nak marah
klu ade org lain wat awk marah pun awk cpt nak marah saya
klu awk x dpt lepaskan kemarahan awk tu pd org yg wat awk marah tu
awk marah sy lak
klu mood awk x elok...awk asik nak marah
klu sy bad mood pun sy yg kene marah
klu kepala awk serabut...awk marah2
kenapa dulu awak jarang marah...?

AM I UR PUNCHING BAG..???????

momma....u're my everything

on second sunday of may every year, we'll be celebrating Mother's Day..yesterday was that special day..walaupun emak saya ada di kg pada masa ini, tetapi ingatan saya pada mak memang tak penah hilang...felt a little bit sad yesterday...and suddenly, teringat mak kat kg..that's make me even more sad...yup...i miss my mum so much...n i love her soooooo much..maybe she did know that, but deep down my heart i really love her and how i wished i never hurt her feeling...i'm not a good daughter..when i was little, i always did or said something that might hurt her feeling..it's not my intention though..i was a little bit rebelious at that time, i guess...somehow i felt like my mum does not love me as much as she loves my other siblings...u see,i came from a big family....im the 7th child out of 10..at one point i felt abandoned..from a child point of view, i tot that my mum is not paying much attention to me...padahal, mak mungkin x punya banyak masa utk melayan kerenah saya semata-mata, sedangkan ramai lagi adik2 saya yang masih kecil dan perlu diberi perhatian..having to deal with little kids, my mum tend to nag a lot..and sedikit garang jugak. i always sulked whenever she scolded me...n i will keep silent for as long as i could just to show my protest..i wont talk and i wont eat..poor mum, she must be very sad..come to think about that, i really regret doing that..tak tau lah banyak mana mak kecik ati dengan perangai saya..
but..being mum..she never never showed that she hate me...how can she, when im her daughter? that is what really great about mum..no matter how much she hurt...she will always forgive and forget..and i guess, that's just the trait that not only my mum but mums all over the world inherit ...

to my mum....
i love u so much, mum...thanx for bringing me to this world and for loving me unconditionally...
i was so proud to be your daughter..no one can top u in my heart..
i will take care of u even when others do not care..
and i will try my best not to make u sad..although i know being the person i am now will make u sad
but i just hope u can accept me the way i am
i love u mum....

keep holding on

that what im supposed to do...just keep holding on..as long as there is still love, i'll manage to find a way to keep this feeling from falling apart...yeah..it's tiring doing the same thing again and again...but i certainly believe that love will keep me bind to her..all this while, i've been longing to come to this stage..so why not just carry on with it..
i do hope that our relationship will last...i really hope that this love will become stronger..not the other way around

J.E.R.K

arini kau buat lagi...aku benci giler klu ko da start perangai lama ko tu..
ko tau x ati aku ni sakit sgt setiap kali ko buat macam tu...?
ko tau x...???!!!! aku benci sgt klu ade di situasi yg macam ni...da la kite ni mmg tgh bnyk masalah...skang ko nak tambah lagi ke..? shit!!! damn it!!
ko ingt aku ni ape hah..??pompuan jalang? pompuan sundal?? smpaikan ko x penah nak percaya pd aku..ape yg aku dah buat smpai ko suka sgt syak n tduh aku yg bukan2..setiap kali ko bkk mulut n menuduh aku buat bnda2 yg aku x buat, tanpa usul peksa, tanpa bukti kukuh, sumenye berdasarkan ko punye "so-called instinct" la kononnye...it's all bullshit!!! klu la instinct ko tu tepat sgt xkan ko x dpt rase yg aku betul2 setia kat ko..????
mmg tu hakikatnya...aku mmg jujur pd ko...n aku x penah tpu ko lps aku jnji dulu tu....
tp knp ko ni busuk ati sgt??? ko suke pk aku buat bnda2 yg bkn2..aku lak terpaksa sabar je setiap kali dtg antu syak wasangka ko tu....n setiap kali ko menuduh aku...ko akan bercakap seolah2 aku mmg bersalah...ko paksa aku mengaku bnda yg aku x buat...ko nak suruh aku ngaku mcm mana klu aku x buat...ko nak soh aku ngaku aku ade affair ngan org lain...tp org lain tu x wujud langsung...cume wujud dlm paler otak ko tu jer...
ko maki hamun aku sesuka ati ko mcm aku ni menumpang makan kat umah ko...msm aku ni xde perasaan..pastu ko pujuk...pastu ko sktkan ati aku lg...
x cukup ngan tu, ko pukul aku...x penah seumur idup aku org yg aku syg naik tangan pd aku....dulu aku bnci sgt violent in relationship...i hate it !!! u knew it better...tp knp skang ko jd that jerk yg panas baran + kaki pukul+kuat maki...ko boleh nak maki2 org lain sesuka ati ko...tp bkn aku...have some respect in me..that's all i ever wanted.
aku syg ko...aku sgt2 sygkan ko...aku jd macam ni disebabkan syg aku pd ko....dulu aku x mcm ni...ko ajar aku jd kurang ajar ngan ko...ko ajar aku x respect ko..ko ajar aku jd kasar......im supposed to be a better person when im wif u,coz u complete me...but u turned me into the person i am now...
ape lagi yg aku perlu buat...cinta aku pada ko menghalang lain2 option yg aku ade...i really want dis to end...aku tanak terus2 jd mcm ni...but i dont have the strenght to walk away from u...aku x mampu..u knew it...that's why u doing this to me...right?
i admit, life wif u is hard...but it's even harder to deal wif ur suspicions...u drove me nut..n u're killing me...SHITTT!!!!

no title

i still remember the moment when we're still not staying together..the time when i'm still wif sumone else and she used to flirt a lot wif other gilrs...and yet we're so much in love..yup, u are right..she used to be my 'kekasih gelap' back then...i dunno how im falling for her despite the fact that i already have a partner who really loves me..im not a flirt..n im not a type yg suke mempermainkan perasaan org..but the 1st time i ever laid my eyes on her, something happened..she did moved the deepest feeling inside me,something strucked me..and this is very rare..not when im still wif sumone else.. and she confessed that she atrracted to me the 1st time she saw me..love at the 1st sight kinda thing..too bad im already in a serious relationship wif my ex partner..lets just called her 'A' and my ex partner 'B'.
i know that B loves me so much to the extend that she trust me 110 %..untill now i felt bad for betraying her coz she was so kind to me

arghhh...lain kali la sambung...xde mood ni !!

pathetic me

something bad happened last nite...something really bad...i was so frustrated and pissed off at the same time..saya fikir saya cuma perlu melayan perangai angin dia yg tak tentu hala itu sahaja..tapi rupanya lebih dari itu...i thought that superstitious thing was bad enough, but there is more to my expectation..
when she came back from work,i've expected to see her gloomy face,i took a deep breath and tried my very best to talk some sense in her..despite the fact that i myself jauh hati dgn sikap dia..what did i do wrong...? i did nothing but i have to play the part as the guilty one..somehow, i manage to console her and make her smile again..but only for a while.
while we were making love...which is not in my 'to-do-list'...in the middle of the game,she suddenly stood up and turn the light on...dissapointed to such turn-off, and puzzled at the same time, i asked her 'why...what happened...?' she gave me the killing look and asked me with so much hatred in her eyes.. 'awk main ngan sape hah sampai awk punye 'tuttt' jd mcm tu ?!!' i was speechless...why this...? why now? why me?
'jadi mcm mana...? saya tak buat ape2 pun lah....'
'habis tu knp jadi mcm tu...?'
that is the the question that made me look like a dumb-ass for a while...how am i supposed to answer that when i dont even have a clue how to answer it...i did nothing...she accused me fucked wif someone else....and she refused to believe me even when i swear to God that i didnt do such thing. berat sangat tuduhan dia tu...i felt like crying, felt like screaming at the same time...she did not believe a word i said...she kept pushing me to confess to the thing that i didnt do. the thing which never occured in my head. how am i supposed to confess to the thing that i didnt do n dont even know why that 'thing' became 'melecet' as she claimed..i was helpless to defend myself....
and now, she wont believe every single thing that i said, she wont listen to me...and i..became the pathetic me..pleading for her to believe me,while she's too ignorant to even look into my pleading eyes...as usual.....
i really hate myself for being too weak..defeated by my own emotion...too blind to see that im torturing my feeling in order to please her's.

superstitious

do people really believed in superstitious thing..? palm-reading, prediction and all...?
i know some ppl take it as a matter of entertainment, not taking it seriously...some ppl dont even remember what the prediction are...but not to mention,there are also ppl who take it as a serious matter..it is so unfair ..what more if it involve a realtionship..we cannot tell what's gonna happen in the future...that is a fact that we cant deny..but yet there are still some bunch of shallow-minded person who really clinging to all this prediction...and what is even worse, my partner is one of that shallow-minded person...too sad to be true. how i wish she's not..
what happen is...she told me just now that there is some 'pakcik' who came to her workplace...this 'pakcik' is some sort of 'pandai baca punye org' and she asked that pakcik to 'telek' our compatibility...i was dumbstruck for a moment. not because of the fact that she asked that 'pakcik' to 'telek' our compatibility...but her reaction to the outcome is really upsetting me...from the tone of her voice, i know that she's really bothered by what the 'pakcik' said...i asked her what did he say, but she said that she'll tell me tonite. i know that our relationship is getting worse each and passing day..and this is not the perfect timing to adding salt to the cut....i was so upset...i know tonite im gonna face another stressfull night..more drama and misunderstanding to come...im fucking hate to explain the same thing over and over again to her that i really2 do love her..

first time

dis is my 1st time blogging..i've been longing to blog since long time ago..it's just that i dont have the time to do so..slalu dok baca blog org jer..it's interesting to read other people story n experience without knowing the person in real life...for me, the word is so real..so sincere n came out directly from one's heart..ye lah...no boundry at all...u can blog about anything in this world n yet no one gonna condemn u far what u wrote..nak meluah perasaan ker, lepas geram ke, sakit ati ke, kongsi perasaan yg tersirat ke or merely just to 'merapu' pasal bnda remeh temeh..
i admit..as for person like me, blogging can save me from going insane..why do i say so...? because im a type of person who felt more comfortable keeping things to myself..i tend to 'memendam perasaan' rather than share anything wif others..even wif person who are so dear to me..when im mad or upset..i mean really2 upset ,words only linger in my mind...so much to say, so much to tell but yet its only in my mind...i wud stay silent to prevent things from getting bad n the other party wouldn't understand how upset i am over the situation as i didnt say exactly how i feel..n i just let it go without realising that i actually still not letting it go.somehow,in my heart kept thinking how or why it happened..its like a 'time bomb waiting to explode...sooner or later i'll go insane...i bet i will..so, wif this blog i hope to share my feeling or at least lift my burden a bit..klu x boleh selesaikan masalah tu pun at least xde la terasa sedih sgt..ade gak tmpat nak meluah perasaan..
too soon to tell everything 'bout my life...next time will do..till then,have a good day