aku tak tau sama ada apa yg aku lakukan ni betul atau tak….patut atau tak…aku tau & aku sedar ape yg dia lakukan kali ni beyond melampau..sgt2 melampau..aku sepatutnya dah mmg btl2 bencikan die..at 1 point aku rse sgt2 benci ape yg die dah buat pd aku, aku rse aku harus jauhkan dri aku dr die….hati aku meronta2 nak pergi dr idup die, believe me…I really wish I could..tp semakin aku rse nekad nak pegi..semakin aku rse kehilangan die..& its killing me..kmi begitu hampir utk akhiri hbngn ni..sgt2 hampir. I knw this is the perfect time for me to end all this. she hurts me so bad. real bad. I knw, not a single friend of mine who loves & care for me would agree to what she had done to me. they saw how devastated my condition is. But I just cant live without her.i need her to make me happy. a good friend of mine once told me, I had to walk away from her & do whatever it takes to make me happy. but how am I suppose to be happy without her, when she is my happiness? even there’s a price I had to pay for my happiness, I just don’t care. I knw I jeopardise my future by giving her another chance, by believing in all her lies. There is a 70% of chances that she might hurt me the same way again in the future, I do realize that.. I don’t knw why I love her this much when all the people around me can see that she’s not worth it.

it's been so long since my last update...its not that i have nothing to say, but there is just too much to say.but it seems like i had lost my words..since the beginning, this blog is all about me & her...it's her still..looking back, i've been sticking with her for 8++ years..too many happiness & tears along the way...i myself cannot believe we can last this long.so many thngs happened..
....................................................................

this is what i wanna say to her..

awak,
setiap kali awk ckp awk sdh & x sampai ati nk lukakan ati die, sbb die tlalu sygkan awk & nak sgt idup dgn awk..smpai buat awk btl2 rase bsalah lukakan ati die & plh utk ttp dgn sy..setiap kali tu juga sy tahan air mata sy dr jatuh..setiap kali tu sy akn bkata2 dlm ati...betapa awk pentingkan prsaan org lain yg bru je hadir dlm idup awk, betapa awk x sanggup die meanngis bile awk plh sy, betapa awk tlalu prihatin dgn kesakitan die...tp awk lupe memandang sy kat sblh awk yg lebih skt dgn kecurangan awk..awk lupe kesakitan yg sy rse lbh lg dr yg die rse.awk x smpai ati nk lukakan ati die, tp knp awk tgamak lukakan ati sy yg dah 8 thun kongsi idup, kongsi ssh sng dng awk..setitis air mata die yg jtuh, buat awk rse bsalah seumur idup.tp awk lupa air mata sy yg dah bnyk jtuh setiap kli awk curang dgn sy..bkn sekali, bkn 2 kali, bkn 3 kali...dah bnyk kali..& setiap kli pun sy akn maafkan awk & terima awk blk dlm idup sy...betapa sshnye sy nk mengikis rse sakit dikhianati & dicurangi....sy tertanya2 ape slh sy smpai awk snggup lukakan ati sy dgn cara yg mcm tu....tp lps sy terima awk dgn kecurangan yg awk dah buat tu, sy yg akn makan ati menyaksikan mcm mana awk sedih ptus cinta..awk pilih sy & tpaksa lupakan die...sy dpt rse kesedihan yg awk rse sbb kehilangan die....itu lebih lg melukakan ati sy.sy tlalu sygkan awk smpai sy izinkan ati sy lalui bnda yg sama....bnda yg sy tau sgt2 melukakan ati sy...sy dpn mata awk, tp ati awk meratap sedih kehilangan die...knp sy kene lalui bnda tu lg?x boleh ke utk sekali ni...sekali ni je, awk pandang sy yg ade sblh awk ni..utk sekali ni, awk cube faham kesakitan yg sy rse...awk lupe sy kt sblh awk, sbb sy sntiase ade..sy x pnh pg jauh dr idup awk wpun berulang kli awk lukakan ati sy..awk lupa sbb sy selalu ada..

stop sign

rindu?
knp mulut senang je berkata sedangkan perkataan yg diucapkan tu x selari dgn ape yg ade dlm hati? lumrah manusia mmg mcm tu ke...atau manusia yg aku kenal & syg ni shj yg spesel, punya kebolehan berkata2 dgn niat utk menyedapkan hati aku semata2 ? dan aku yg bebal ni masih percaya walaupun bulat2 dah terbukti dpn mata. seorang teman yg dulunya penah rapat berkata, "it's about time. u're in the middle of the turning point in ur life..either u make a turn to another direction, or u'll stuck there forever, going tru the same thing over n over again". aku pilih utk lalui jalan yg sama, dgn harapan akan bertemu cahaya di penghujung jalan. teman tu pun dah penat dan fed up melihat kebodohan aku, n makin lama die pun makin menjauh dari hidup aku yg penuh dgn harapan palsu ni...aku x salahkan teman aku tu, sbb aku fhm knp die buat mcm tu.

kali ni ianya berulang lagi..sama mcm yg dulu2, kali ni pun aku digula2kan dgn mcm2 alasan x munasabah utk menutup perbuatan die. hati aku kosong. aku rase kosong. penat menangis dan berfikir "kenapa" barangkali. adakah ini petanda aku patut berhenti dr meneruskan perjalanan ini?

hilang

die dah ilang..selama ni die ade je
rindu ngn telatah die..suke gesel2
walaupun gemuk n debab..kuat makan,tp ttp cumel
sy syg die T_T

dulu..blk dr mane2 die akan sambut kt muke pintu
blk penat2 pun, penat tu mst hilang biler tgk muka die
die pndai amik ati saye
saye slalu xleh nk marah die lame2

saye tatau sejak biler saye syg die
perasaan tu dtg sendiri n yg pasti makin lama makin kuat
saye slalu rase resah kalau pg mane2 n tinggalkan die kat rumah
walau saye tau die pandai jaga diri sendiri..tp saye ttp risaukan die

kalau saye sedih saye akan peluk die dan cerita sume masalah saye pd die
kadang2 die wat x dengar..
tp selalu die akan tgk muke sy..penuh perhatian
tu pun dah cukup buat saye..x perlu die ckp ape2

tp sekarang die dah xde
saye xtau die pg mane
saye sgt2 rindukan die
saye risau keadaan die..mst die pun rindukan saye
walaupun sy dah ade pengganti..tp x same dgn die
perasaan syg tu x sama mcm saye syg die

saye akan tetap tggu die
die bukan sekadar kucing kesayangan saye
tp lebih dr tu

it's over

i never tot it wud end dis way
u were screaming
i was screaming
we were screaming to each other
but nobody listen to anybody

i dont knw how to deal with it
how am i gonna live
how am i gonna breath
how am i gonna sleep
knowing dat u r not here anymore

well, im started to sound pathetic
i had to move on..i know i had to
but i dunno how?

its crazy
i really love you
but i cant stand you

-enuff said-

from her :-)

aku cinta pdmu yang..
ssguhnya cint a itu indah..bia la kite ddtgi bbagai dugaan, suka & duka..
namun ku tahu cintamu memberi 1001 kebahagiaan yg tak penah aku rasakan..
aku sedar manusia takkan mati tanpa cinta,
tp aku hidup bersama semangat cintamu syg..
tanpa semangat n kasih syg yg kau berikan..siapa la aku

mata bengkak

pg ni g keje mata bengkak..sbb mlm td nangis bnyk sgt sampai tertidur...mmg x sedar ape..coz i was so drunk..
i was like insane..drinking n crying at the same time...gosh..dunno how it can end up that way..

maybe i was just being too emotional..making a big fuss over nothing
she hates me so much to the extend she doesnt even bother to talk to me
she ignored me the whole night...she never did that before
i cant see the love in her eyes..i cant felt it no more

is it the end for both of us..?
no....!!! i dont want it to happen
i dont wanna loose her
i am not gonna loose her
i cant...i just cant

please...dont leave me
please dont hate me..
please dont deny me..
im begging u
plese....