burning

have u ever felt that u are constantly losing hope and no matter what u're doing is still not enough..u tried so hard to prove something that u believe will make u happy for the rest of your life..that if u try hard enough things will turn out exactly the way u expected..you actually want to prove to ur own self that u're making the right choice to the extent that u completely neglected ur own feeling, but yet it still not enough..frustrating eh?



it never occured to me before that i'm a kind of person who does not easily give up on things that i really2 want..i never realized it before..often i heard/read that arian never ever easily give up, that they had really amazing 'fighting spirit'..im an arian, but i never paid much attention to that fact..i was like, really...? nah..i dont think so..come to think about it again,i had to agree to that coz im beginning to realise that i had done so much just to get what i want..n what i really want the most rite now is for her to trust me..often it shattered me into pieces but then my inner need is much more stronger than the sadness i felt inside..she may really2 hurt me but as long as her trust is still my priority, i can do just about anything to gain her trust..


i wanted so much to change my life..hoping that eventually things will turn out good and i manage to lead a happy life wif sumone i love...the one i love is the most important thing in my life to the extent that i abandoned my own feeling..it's not that im not happy rite now..im happy and i really do...it's just that sometimes she can turn really mean and starts acusing me to the things that i did not do...and each time she said that she didn't believe me..it really kills me..coz i've tried so hard to please her..to show that she really is important to me..people said that one can forgive but never forget...but believe me, i actually choose to forgive...and to forget...i dont want to remember the things that can make me sad..i just want to keep the things that make me happy and content..so that i can always think of her with smiles on my face..not tears in my eyes..that's how i keep my love for her..only with sweet memories of me n her.


i'm beginning to realize that love alone is not enough...a complete package of happiness comes with mutual understanding, respect each other and most miportantly...TRUST....


love without trust is a living hell..having to deal with it makes me lost hope...

sORRy

Oh I had a lot to say

Was thinking on my time away

Missed you and things weren't the same

Cause everything inside it never comes out right

And when I see you cry it makes me want to die

I'm sorry I'm bad,

I'm sorry you're blue,

I'm sorry about all things I said to you

And I know I can't take it back

I love how you kiss,

I love all your sounds,

And baby the way you make my world go round

And I just wanted to say I'm sorry

This time I think I'm to blame

It's harder to get through the days

You get older and blame turns to shame

Every single day I think about how we came all this way

The sleepless nights and the tears you cried

It's never too late to make it right

Oh yeah sorry!

i'm sorry baby

i'm sorry baby

i'm sorry....

fix it

on my way ke tmpt keje dis monin, i listened to 'fly fm'...they got this programme called 'fix it' where they solve other's problem on air...listeners who got problem to be fix would email their problem to 'fly fm' and their morning crew dj would figure a way to solve the problem..let say u have problem with certain person...u really need to talk things out to this certain person but dunno how to confront the person...what the dj's would do..they will call the person live on air and sampaikan ape yg korang nak ckp tu...the message is still delivered, but via the dj's...interesting isn't it..? how did they got such brilliant idea..?i've been listening to the programme for quite some time now..usually i like listening to 'hitz fm' and their morning crew is superb...i just love jj and rudy...they are so damn good..sometimes, they can put smile on my face to begin the day with..even when i'm not in the mood..
ok...back to the 'fix it' this morning...they recieved an email from a lady who had some problem with her hubby..she thinks that her hubby does not love her as much before..she's been staying in penang while her hubby in kl..ahh...the LDR thing is really tough eh? they rarely talked nicely now..every now and then ade jer yg tak kena..seem like little things pun can start a fight between them..and the husband think that his wife has changed and does not bother about him anymore....the dj's called the lady and asked briefly what is happening between she and her husband...from the tone of her voice i can say that this lady loves her husband so much..after all, she's the one who's been making the effort to fix the problem kan...she just want to tell her husband that she really loves her husband no matter what and she need him to colour her world...so sweet.....that is exactly what the dj told the husband...eventually her husband understand how she felt and said that he too loves her so much and nobody can take that away..so, the problem considered fixed..another problem fixed.
tersenyum saya sorang2 pagi td...it's just a miscommunication problem between the two of them and the dj's did a great job to put the two hearts back together...ermmm...i wonder if i email my problem to the 'fly fm'..wud they manage to fix our broken relationship...?what more if its' a forbidden love like our's..?

..punching bag..

awak slalu marah2 saye klu ade bnda yg x kena
klu lapa..awk cpt mara
klu penat, awk cpt nak marah
klu ade org lain wat awk marah pun awk cpt nak marah saya
klu awk x dpt lepaskan kemarahan awk tu pd org yg wat awk marah tu
awk marah sy lak
klu mood awk x elok...awk asik nak marah
klu sy bad mood pun sy yg kene marah
klu kepala awk serabut...awk marah2
kenapa dulu awak jarang marah...?

AM I UR PUNCHING BAG..???????

momma....u're my everything

on second sunday of may every year, we'll be celebrating Mother's Day..yesterday was that special day..walaupun emak saya ada di kg pada masa ini, tetapi ingatan saya pada mak memang tak penah hilang...felt a little bit sad yesterday...and suddenly, teringat mak kat kg..that's make me even more sad...yup...i miss my mum so much...n i love her soooooo much..maybe she did know that, but deep down my heart i really love her and how i wished i never hurt her feeling...i'm not a good daughter..when i was little, i always did or said something that might hurt her feeling..it's not my intention though..i was a little bit rebelious at that time, i guess...somehow i felt like my mum does not love me as much as she loves my other siblings...u see,i came from a big family....im the 7th child out of 10..at one point i felt abandoned..from a child point of view, i tot that my mum is not paying much attention to me...padahal, mak mungkin x punya banyak masa utk melayan kerenah saya semata-mata, sedangkan ramai lagi adik2 saya yang masih kecil dan perlu diberi perhatian..having to deal with little kids, my mum tend to nag a lot..and sedikit garang jugak. i always sulked whenever she scolded me...n i will keep silent for as long as i could just to show my protest..i wont talk and i wont eat..poor mum, she must be very sad..come to think about that, i really regret doing that..tak tau lah banyak mana mak kecik ati dengan perangai saya..
but..being mum..she never never showed that she hate me...how can she, when im her daughter? that is what really great about mum..no matter how much she hurt...she will always forgive and forget..and i guess, that's just the trait that not only my mum but mums all over the world inherit ...

to my mum....
i love u so much, mum...thanx for bringing me to this world and for loving me unconditionally...
i was so proud to be your daughter..no one can top u in my heart..
i will take care of u even when others do not care..
and i will try my best not to make u sad..although i know being the person i am now will make u sad
but i just hope u can accept me the way i am
i love u mum....

keep holding on

that what im supposed to do...just keep holding on..as long as there is still love, i'll manage to find a way to keep this feeling from falling apart...yeah..it's tiring doing the same thing again and again...but i certainly believe that love will keep me bind to her..all this while, i've been longing to come to this stage..so why not just carry on with it..
i do hope that our relationship will last...i really hope that this love will become stronger..not the other way around

J.E.R.K

arini kau buat lagi...aku benci giler klu ko da start perangai lama ko tu..
ko tau x ati aku ni sakit sgt setiap kali ko buat macam tu...?
ko tau x...???!!!! aku benci sgt klu ade di situasi yg macam ni...da la kite ni mmg tgh bnyk masalah...skang ko nak tambah lagi ke..? shit!!! damn it!!
ko ingt aku ni ape hah..??pompuan jalang? pompuan sundal?? smpaikan ko x penah nak percaya pd aku..ape yg aku dah buat smpai ko suka sgt syak n tduh aku yg bukan2..setiap kali ko bkk mulut n menuduh aku buat bnda2 yg aku x buat, tanpa usul peksa, tanpa bukti kukuh, sumenye berdasarkan ko punye "so-called instinct" la kononnye...it's all bullshit!!! klu la instinct ko tu tepat sgt xkan ko x dpt rase yg aku betul2 setia kat ko..????
mmg tu hakikatnya...aku mmg jujur pd ko...n aku x penah tpu ko lps aku jnji dulu tu....
tp knp ko ni busuk ati sgt??? ko suke pk aku buat bnda2 yg bkn2..aku lak terpaksa sabar je setiap kali dtg antu syak wasangka ko tu....n setiap kali ko menuduh aku...ko akan bercakap seolah2 aku mmg bersalah...ko paksa aku mengaku bnda yg aku x buat...ko nak suruh aku ngaku mcm mana klu aku x buat...ko nak soh aku ngaku aku ade affair ngan org lain...tp org lain tu x wujud langsung...cume wujud dlm paler otak ko tu jer...
ko maki hamun aku sesuka ati ko mcm aku ni menumpang makan kat umah ko...msm aku ni xde perasaan..pastu ko pujuk...pastu ko sktkan ati aku lg...
x cukup ngan tu, ko pukul aku...x penah seumur idup aku org yg aku syg naik tangan pd aku....dulu aku bnci sgt violent in relationship...i hate it !!! u knew it better...tp knp skang ko jd that jerk yg panas baran + kaki pukul+kuat maki...ko boleh nak maki2 org lain sesuka ati ko...tp bkn aku...have some respect in me..that's all i ever wanted.
aku syg ko...aku sgt2 sygkan ko...aku jd macam ni disebabkan syg aku pd ko....dulu aku x mcm ni...ko ajar aku jd kurang ajar ngan ko...ko ajar aku x respect ko..ko ajar aku jd kasar......im supposed to be a better person when im wif u,coz u complete me...but u turned me into the person i am now...
ape lagi yg aku perlu buat...cinta aku pada ko menghalang lain2 option yg aku ade...i really want dis to end...aku tanak terus2 jd mcm ni...but i dont have the strenght to walk away from u...aku x mampu..u knew it...that's why u doing this to me...right?
i admit, life wif u is hard...but it's even harder to deal wif ur suspicions...u drove me nut..n u're killing me...SHITTT!!!!